Latest Theodent News
Mar 19, 2017
tweet Let’s face it — there’s a certain appeal to buying stupid things just because you can. Who among us hasn’t vacantly flipped through a SkyMall catalog and imagined a life where buying something out of a SkyMall catalog was a reasonable decision? However, once we land back on planet Earth and get back to our real lives where we have to decide whether to pay the electric bill or the phone bill this month, we know bullshit overpriced junk when we see it. The following expensive, goofy-ass products are made for people who only know “paying bills” as the time they hired two guys named William to install a floating bar in their swimming pool. Those who’ve wondered what it’s like to actually pour money down the drain can now experience the sensation right from the comfort of their bathrooms. The good people at Theodent have created a “luxury” toothpaste that, at $100 for a 3.4 ounce tube, lets you scrub your teeth with ten thousand pennies. Called “Theodent 300” and offering vague “clinical strength,” we’re guessing it’s perfect for those nights you dine in Hell. Theodent: Theodent Fights bad breath in the shade. Like most activities involving $100 and putting stuff in your mouth, brushing with Theodent is a little dodgy. Instead of fluoride, Theodent contains a proprietary substance called “Rennou,” which is derived from cocoa plants and will — allegedly — keep your teeth from rotting and help get Kool-Aid stains off your tongue. If you’re not up for diving head first into the world of luxury toothpaste, you can play in the shallow end with the Classic or Kids versions of Theodent, which are available on Amazon for a more comfortable $12 or $13. The kids’ stuff tastes like chocolate, so good luck teaching them not to eat it. Learning to jump rope was a childhood rite of passage, as was finding “jumpable” stuff, like garden hoses, shoe laces, your mom’s good towels, death shrouds, etc. Apparently, someone didn’t get that jumping random stuff was the whole point, and created a $250 jump rope because … actually, we’re not sure why. A company called Hock decided they could improve upon the classic version of a rope that you jump over by combining “minimalist style with innovative technology.” Those willing to forego groceries in favor of walnut handles and anodized aluminum parts can launch their upper-class asses over nine (adjustable) feet of natural leather rope. Sadly there’s no quantity discount, so if you’re planning to Double Dutch, be prepared to cough up the full $500 for a pair of these bad boys. If you literally have money to burn, then we’ve got the product for you. Thanks to Jo Malone London, you can watch your money go up in smoke while enjoying the “compelling” scents of “Lime Basil And Mandarin” or “Pomegranate Noir,” the latter of which you may recognize as a phrase that is fucking meaningless. Should you choose to indulge, each candle will set you back one (or two, or three) month’s car payment of $470. If you’re trying to rationalize this particular waste of money, let’s be clear on what you’re not buying. It doesn’t contain any expensive essential oils, it’s not used for “aromatherapy,” and it’s not some long-lasting, slow-burning piece of survival gear that will provide illumination in the event of a zombie apocalypse. It’s just a candle. And a damn expensive one. It does include “complimentary” matches, so … there’s that. Although at that price point, the matches should be doing your tax return. You may not be familiar with the adage “Leather and water go great together,” possibly because nobody has ever said it ever. That small fact didn’t dampen the spirits of the Lappas company, who decided a leather-wrapped cooler was just the thing for rich people needing to terrify party guests and keep their drinks cold at the same time. There is just one tiny detail: the thing costs $1800, which is the price of several mini-fridges and perhaps an old car. But hey — shipping is free! We’re guessing that the people responsible for this abomination are counting on the leather wrapping to distract potential buyers from realizing that what’s inside this stamped-leather eyesore is a plain old plastic Igloo cooler, which you can buy at Walmart for $15. Though if you own this you probably Neiman Marcus own Walmart. Fortunately for pigs, they don’t make footballs like they used to. While no one is throwing around literal pigskin anymore, the options available for football material have never been more diverse. In fact, if you’re itching to impress your friends with a super-deluxe session of catch, you can even toss a ball made out of python. If you’re prepared to pony up $1220 for a fucking football, the folks at Bergdorf Goodman are standing by to help swankify your life’s football-related moments. The ball comes in black and natural (read: snakeflesh), and has absolutely no special powers or features. It’s just an ordinary (and very, very expensive) football that won’t transform you into a snake or Brett Favre. That said, it might produce a Tim Tebow moment or two when it’s time to pay your credit card bill. When you are genuinely out of ideas and at a loss for what to spend money on, you can always spring for some solid gold staples. Sold by Garmentory, you can get 24 gold staples — plus a nifty box — for $118. While that seems pretty steep, it works out to just $4.92 per staple, which is perfect for those really special moments when a stack of papers needs just a little bit extra to keep them together. Unfortunately, they are just staples after all, so to use them, you still have to put them in your $8 Swingline stapler and hope it doesn’t jam. You should also really, really try not to forget a page. The folks at Garmentory would like to remind you that there are all sorts of uses for $118 gold staples, such as haphazardly punching them into your clothing for a look that screams, “I have lost all concept of value and social convention”: Garmentory We guess they figure if you can fork over that much cash for gold staples, then you shouldn’t mind tearing a bunch of tiny holes in your clothes to show them off. However, since you could just spend $5.50 on some identical-looking yellow (or blue or pink or green) staples on Amazon, this probably isn’t the best way to get a big bang for your bougie buck. If you have a hundred large lying around, or if your facial hair is the consistency of Kevlar, you might be in the market for the world’s most expensive razor. It’s made out of iridium, a substance that comes from meteorites and is so incredibly hard it’s mostly used to make rocket engines. Obviously, the next best use for this material, right after propelling things into orbit, is removing hair from your body. It’s manufactured by Zafirro, who says their facial hedge clipper “pushes the boundaries of technology while creating an aesthetic that could be the centerpiece of a gallery collection.” In other words, it’s needlessly high-tech, but it’s also kinda pretty. It’s available only in limited quantities, probably because iridium is only available in limited quantities. If you’re overburdened by a hundred grand and have questionable judgment, you can pre-order it on their website, and the purchase does include free service on the sapphire blades and pure platinum screws for 20 years. We assume the only shaving cream worthy of this little gem is made of jellied pearls stripped from the ocean’s rarest clams, but Zafirro’s website neither confirms nor denies this. For those days when your own fist simply won’t do, you can eke out a perfect glob of toothpaste with this designer toothpaste squeezer. According to theline.com, “This chrome-plated brass device affords a precise start and end to each day by ensuring you get the most out of every tube of toothpaste.” It’s the perfect thing for anyone looking for completely unnecessary items to fill up counter space in an overly large bathroom. For the bargain price of $195, you can have the satisfaction of wringing the last fraction of a cent of toothpaste out of each tube, and rest in the knowledge that if you live to see 150 years you might eventually break even (please note this does not apply if you are using Theodent 300). If you thought toilet paper was the great equalizer, and that rich people wipe their asses with the same paper squares as the rest of us plebes, think again. There is, in fact, toilet paper for the astoundingly wealthy. And it isn’t just dollar bills. “Put it on a Joseph’s Toiletries roll? Like for the anuses of the poor?” Zurich-based Joseph’s Toiletries offers a monthly toilet paper subscription for the bargain price of $100. Per person. Calling itself “toilet paper reinvented,” the natural “tissue pads” come with a bottom wash infused with vitamin B5 and zinc, which gets your asshole all those vitamins it’s no doubt been missing. bbbrrn/iStock “Man, I am dying for some B5 …” Among our many questions is what metric they used to determine an appropriate monthly ration of toilet paper. Did they make allowances for taco truck days and bad sushi? And how did they settle on a size for the pre-cut pieces, which could be extremely wasteful or woefully inadequate, depending on factors such as poo consistency and splash radius? Even more importantly, what happens if you exhaust your monthly allocation of butt wipers early? Can you get more, or are you left kissing your bunghole with common tissue like the poors? For more really bad financial decisions, read 7 Real Fast Food Items Only Insanely Rich People Can Buy and 7 Great Products For Telling The World You’re A Rich Dick. 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